July 29, 2002--There's a reason for everything... If you asked me how life was going about a year and a half ago, I probably would have told you it was in the crapper. I have no desire to go into the details, except that when people suck, they suck as badly as they can, and often on purpose. But I'm not focusing on the past anymore. In fact, I'm thankful for it. I blow raspberries at it while laughing because I know that I wouldn't change a thing...if anything changed, I wouldn't be who I am today, where I am today.

And who am I? I'm a changed person. As I said on the entrance page, I was not at all surprised to pull the Death card in a recent Tarot reading. Death represents change...the end of one phase, the rebirth into a new phase, and the release of old patterns that have become meaningless. Now this "death" that I recently went through was just one of the "little deaths" we all face, but for some reason it makes the big picture that much more clear.

For the past couple of weeks (you may even say months!) I have been unable to do updates as often as I would have liked. For one, I didn't have anything to say. I was also facing a lot of stress from many different sources. My job, K'Tok's job, living at home, finances, weird schedules...it all built up. Some days seemed pointless or impossible to face. Now I'm sure that the card I would have chosen during the past short while would probably have been the Hanged Man: a period in which I had to sacrifice what I had grown too attached to and patiently wait out all the stresses that came piling up. We don't like to let go of the things that stress us because we fear that the new stresses may be worse. But only by letting go do we achieve that calm sensation that comes with knowing that things work out for a reason.

Where am I? At this particular moment, I'm still living with my dad...but that will be changing on August 8th. K'Tok and I are moving into the greatest apartment together. *Our* first apartment together. It's so nice to say it. But you see, timing is everything, and like I said, it all just fell into place. Had I not come home after graduation, I would not gotten the job I have now, nor would I have met K'Tok. When we first met, we were so cynical about relationships that we started out as movie buddies...our relationship began as friendship, and because we were bluntly honest and didn't hold our opinions back from each other at the very start, there were no illusions to deal with later when we discovered our friendship grew into something more. That bond of friendship helped us stick it out through thick and thin when K'Tok's company downsized and he got cut. We learned we would watch each other's backs, and it made the bond that much stronger. On my end, my assistant manager had to take a leave of absence to take care of her husband after he went through serious surgery, and K'Tok was there for me through all the frustration of doing her job and feeling like a glorified place-holder, not knowing whether she would be returning or not after her twelve weeks were up, but not getting paid for it, either. Those twelve weeks seemed like an eternity, and while I certainly don't envy her for her reason for taking a leave of absence, just the lack of knowing what would happen was stressful in and of itself. As it turned out, she had to resign...and that happened about a month and a half before my annual review. In the meantime, K'Tok found an awesome job...three hours away. More stress, but things still worked out. His apartment lease was coming up, and his job gave him an excuse to move closer to me, where the rates are also a little bit cheaper. The vice president of the retail division of my company was supposed to come down to talk to us about "staffing issues." She was unable to make it, and rescheduled for a week later. In the meantime, K'Tok and I found this wonderful apartment community that I have loved since I first saw it. However, because it was only hinted that my VP's reason for visiting was to offer a promotion, we only looked at the apartment that was available (a first-floor unit) but decided to wait one more week to actually apply. That week, not only did I get the promotion, but also a raise...and when we went to visit the apartment community again, the first-floor was taken, but a second-floor apartment was available. We applied, and were approved. I've been so happy this week that it's like floating on air!

It's nice to wake up and look forward to facing the day again. Sure, I've felt pretty good during the past year and a half, but every so often it all just needed to be put into perspective once more. "Pretty good" has become "elated" right now! It's easy to lose sight of the big picture from time to time. We see all the pain and stress and frustration, yet ignore how it will form who we are. More than once, my friends and I talked about how much we didn't like grade school, or how we were picked on because we were band geeks (and proud of it!), or how relationships are such Saved By the Bell moments...but those are the events that shaped who we are. How we dealt with each stress formed our strengths and weaknesses. No matter how angry or hurt or other "bad" emotion I felt towards an incident or person, no matter how much of an asshole a person might have been or might still be, I'm very happy right now. Whatever happened led me to where I am, and I'm not looking back except to smile...there are so many better things to look forward to!

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