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Parents,
Peers, and Other People: Dealing with Those of Not-Quite-Like
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While this sounds like it's directed especially at dealing with Christians, it really goes for anyone you talk to. Anyone of a different belief may grill you on your own, and while it's historically more likely to come from Christians (not always in a bad way...I've never heard any hellfire-and-damnation speeches given to me), expect to deal with people of all faiths and practices. With that said, here's the guide:
STEP ONE: Analyze the relationship between you and the person you're talking to.
This should go without saying, but it's the most important thing you should do when talking about your religion. Is the person you're talking to your mother or a random person who approached you on the street? Are they respecting your beliefs and simply asking questions, or are they doing in-your-face, you're-going-to-Hell proselytizing? How you react should relate to how they present themselves to you. Also consider how this relationship will continue. Are you stuck with them for life (parents, siblings, relatives)? Do you see them on a daily basis (roommates, significant others)? Will you ever see them again (though that's rare...Murphy's Law will prove that you will see the person many more times if you choose to tell them off!)? Then decide if you want to have the relationship continue. You can break up with a girl/boyfriend or lose a close friendship, but is it worth it? You can tell off a person on the street, but are they worth the waste of energy? And, uh...you're generally stuck with the parents/sibling deal!
Think of the relationship and where you want it to go. Then act accordingly. No matter what the relationship or how you truly feel about the person and his/her beliefs, I HIGHLY suggest remaining respectful, especially for the next step:
STEP TWO: Personal reactions will reflect...stay calm!
Unless the person you're talking to is completely dense (which may also be the case, though it is usually rare when talking about religion...people are usually well-versed in their own even if they don't know the history behind it), expect them to pick up on any signals you give them. If you roll your eyes at them, they'll become louder because they'll know you don't want to listen to them. We all know you can hear them perfectly well, but it's human tendency to speak louder when someone doesn't understand. But they won't only get loud...if you feel like you're coming under pressure, they may begin to press harder. If others hear them, they might join in. People know when they're winning and then they go in for the kill. Do not attack their beliefs or they will attack back.
So what *SHOULD* you do? Be attentive to their beliefs and listen to them. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean their points are invalid. You may pick something up that works into your own system. Or, it may simply reaffirm why you don't believe the same thing they do. If you listen calmly, they'll think they're reaching out to you. You may actually be running over your homework schedule for the night, but if you're attentive enough, you'll probably be able to leave at the end of the conversation peacefully.
STEP THREE: Get out of the spotlight
Another good way to be attentive and make people think that you agree with them is to re-direct their questions. Turn questions back on them and ask them why they believe in their religion. You may be able to then add in, "I can kind of see it that way, but what about...?" Either they'll want to talk about themselves or they'll be just as uncomfortable in the spotlight as you were and try to change the subject to something completely different. Keep your questions as open as possible, and make them as caring as you can (even if you really don't care!). Some examples are:
"What is it about *Insert Belief System* that you find fulfilling?"
"Why do you think it is important to believe in *Insert Belief System*?"
"What is your goal in believing *Insert Belief System*?"
STEP FOUR: Do not look to challenge others.
As tempting as it is to demand, "Why do you hate my beliefs if you know absolutely nothing about it from my perspective?" I don't recommend it. The person you're talking to will throw up their defense system immediately and won't hear a word you're saying. I once overheard a student at my school during the summer of 1998 talking to a few friends...he declared to them that, "If you were Hindu or Buddhist or (named a few other alternative religions), I'd like to challenge you...." I wanted to walk up to him and said he has a Wiccan volunteer, but then I realized he used the word challenge. To me, that means he didn't want to agree with any information you gave him, but just drill you on how and why you're *WRONG* in his point of view. I walked on, knowing he didn't want to learn of anyone else's beliefs...that kind of closed mind won't listen to a word you say.
Which is why I say don't challenge others. They won't listen to you, and you will be passing up a chance to learn from them.
STEP FIVE: Encourage others to learn about your religion and about history in general.
There is nothing worse than a person who doesn't know the history of their region trying to debate how their religion evolved. My favorite time period of study is from pre-Christian Roman Empire to when Christianity was the firm ruler of Europe. I'm not that good in history in general, but it's nice to know about the time periods when Christianity took over, and the cultures that came before and after.
Anyway, as I get sidetracked...learn what you can about history and try to interest the person you're talking to into reading the same books you are. I found "The Mists of Avalon" really interested me in the time periods mentioned above, and while I know it's not an entirely accurate portrayal of Camelot, it was enough to make me want to learn more. If you can get a person to look into an historical book that is somewhat benign, they may come back to you and ask much calmer questions on how your beliefs fit in with that history.
STEP SIX: Emphasize particulars on the religion.
As with the history, you don't want to go into full detail while standing without your books on hand. While you want to emphasize the good points of your religion, don't forget to acknowledge that yes, we too have a dark history in our beliefs. Emphasize the "Harm None" of the Rede if you're Wiccan and that you couldn't be in a cult if you're solitary because you don't have a cult leader. Make sure that you mention the balance of nature, and the Three-Fold Rule (if you believe in it) as it relates to, say, the Ten Commandments. Be as general as possible. You may also want to say that you looked at many other belief systems (if this is true...you don't want to lie and have it backfire on you!) and finding Paganism/Wicca/Witchcraft/etc. felt like you were coming home. When I talk about it, I like to make sure that I mention that I looked into many other religions, including other forms of Christianity, and that when I face The Great Whoever at the Pearly Gates, at least I can look him/her/it in the eye and say that I chose what felt right to me and I'm willing to take what I deserve. (I firmly believe these words, so unless you do to, I wouldn't suggest quoting me directly as your own reason. As arrogant as it sounds, I don't fear death itself, because I'll deserve whatever comes to me, even reincarnation, and I'll take it with the full knowledge that I made an honest choice. What I fear is the process of dying, because I love life and want to live as much as I can.)
STEP SEVEN: Don't proselytize.
If you don't like it when people proselytize to you, don't do it back. Our religion is not one out to gain as many followers as possible. Instead we feel that if people are interested, they will find it on their own as you, yourself may have done.
STEP EIGHT: Respect, respect, respect!
I know I've said it many times before, but it must be stated again. The key to having a good conversation is presenting your beliefs as being your own and that you came to that conclusion on your own terms. The person you're talking to may have done the same and want the same amount of respect. Three-Fold Rule: If you treat people like you hate anyone of their belief, they will treat you accordingly. Respect them, and you will probably find yourself with friends of different beliefs. I've befriended one of the Rabbis and two of the Ministers on campus by using these tactics. They encourage any questions and pose some of their own. It's a good situation.
STEP NINE: When in Doubt, walk away.
The title says it all. If the conversation is with your parents, tell them that you'd like to think on a question further and walk off. They may think that you may reconsider. With others, the simple phrase, "These are my particular beliefs, and they make me happy," will probably suffice. Any kind of conversation ender will work. You're not running away from them, but getting out of the pressure. Another good one is, "Let's continue this conversation at a later date...." You can give them signals that you have to go or have work to do. Make sure that they get the impression that no matter what was said, you have new information to think about, even if you disagree with their point of view.
Finally, don't be afraid to bring up a conversation yourself, once you're practiced in talking with others. Volunteer in settings in which many religious views are present. Build confidence, not enemies. Have no fear that they will stone you or set you on fire. *smile* You have the strength and the right to believe what you wish and to talk about it freely.
"Do everything you fear...in this there's power. Fear is not to be afraid of."
-James (The band) "Sound" (From "Seven" album)
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LIFE
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To better deal with others who may not agree with your religion, it helps to see it from their point of view. It also helps to be armed with some information so you can better explain your position. They may not grasp your beliefs, but hopefully they'll come away a little less ignorant. Try some of these books for further ideas:
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